When you are in a romantic relationship where you suspect that one of the partners has Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD), it can feel as though the relationship is a lot of work, and that you get stuck in a frustrating cycle.

What does ADHD look like in a relationship?

If you are the long-term partner of someone with ADHD, you may be wondering what happened to your relationship. People with ADHD are commonly very empathic, caring, and hyper focused on a new relationship. Then it seems to disappear. Did they lose interest? Did they ever care? These and more questions are natural and common.

Usually it is not the case that they have lost interest.

ADHD is an Executive Function Disorder, so even if your loved one can pay attention, there are struggles and challenges they are facing - most are invisible and in their own mind.

The struggles that a person with ADHD faces may seem contradictory to how they function elsewhere, and also impossible to overcome.

• the executive who just can’t have a conversation over dinner

• the carpenter who takes forever to fix that baseboard

• the adult who seems to not see dirty dishes on the coffee table

• the business owner who books a work crew without fail but can’t tell their spouse about a change to their schedule.

You may relate to all of these and maybe even more. It feels like the neurotypical partner can’t believe that these are real struggles while the one with ADHD feels guilt or shame around these seemingly simple skills and tasks that should get done but don’t.

“You always forget what I’ve told you.”

“It feels like you don’t care about our family.”

“You aren’t as engaged anymore, where is the person I fell in love with?”

Your partner says they are trying but you don’t see it. You’ve turned into a parent of your spouse and that’s NOT what you signed up for. Just because your partner struggles with executive functioning doesn’t mean you should be the one nagging, fighting, and chasing them around.

What if you’re the one with ADHD? Whether you’ve always known you had ADHD or now that you have a partner you’re wondering if that’s part of your makeup, the feelings are the same. You know that you are still the same person you were when you began your relationship. You love your spouse deeply. And you’re still trying as hard as you can but you keep hearing about how you are letting them down. You feel run down and exhausted by constantly putting effort in while you continuously hear that it’s not enough. You’re feeling like you’re not enough.

ADHD can be a secret weapon in a relationship.

Unmanaged and ignored it can be dangerous and harmful to a relationship. If it is managed and cared for, it can be useful, and can strengthen a relationship.

Understanding ADHD, both in yourself, and your partner, is the key to managing it. Building tools to help manage the challenges and to harness the strengths is not just the work of the individual with ADHD, both people need to know, understand and support the tools.

Building and learning these tools is hard enough; doing this while working to heal the hurts, shift beliefs, and even grieve dreams that are changing is going to be a strain.

Three signs that ADHD may be affecting your relationship

While ADHD shows up in different ways for different people, here are five common ways that we have seen it play out in a romantic relationship.

• No matter how many lists you make things are always forgotten. This shows up for both the person with executive functioning struggles and their partner.

• Time seems to disappear, you don’t know why it took so long but it did, or it always takes longer than you thought.

• It appears that your partner has tunnel vision. You can call their name from four feet away but they don’t hear you until you touch them.

• Difficulty switching tasks. It’s Saturday morning and you’ve both got your lists of things to get done. The person with ADHD gets started, but then it’s time to have lunch, and they find it difficult to switch from concentrating on what they’d been doing in order to engage with the family.

• Simple things are draining. You get to the end of the day and your partner asks you to clear the table after dinner. Even though you’ve spent the day functioning at top capacity, suddenly this simple task seems overwhelming.

The good news is that if one of you is exhibiting signs of ADHD, that doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t going to last, or is a lost cause.

Five ways to work with ADHD within your relationship

1. The first and most important tool for managing the symptoms of ADHD is routine. So often moving into a new stage of a relationship means creating a new routine or changing an old routine. This can be one of the hardest things to do for someone with ADHD, and yet the most powerful way they can manage the impact of their ADHD.

2. Give permission for your partner to help you, discuss how and when.

3. Use collaborative tools to share information: ie. any.do, google keep, share calendars

4. Know the challenges and strengths, play to the strengths and ask for help with the challenges

5. Be willing to pay for extra services that will reduce stress and conflict. Utilizing professionals or other service workers (such as a cleaner or accountant) isn’t just about freeing up your time each week. It can also be about taking a task that is a challenge, and a source of conflict or stress, off your plate and saving your relationship from additional opportunities for stressful interactions.

Whether you or your partner has a formal diagnosis of ADHD, or you’re reading this article and recognizing traits that are present in your relationship, we hope that you have found this to be helpful. Our hope for you is that you are able to find ways to connect with each other and find solutions that work to help your relationship be fulfilling.

If you would like help navigating these waters, please feel free to contact either Graham or Lisa to book an appointment and help your marriage get strong again.